My aunt sent me shirts from the US for the New Year. The shirts were sealed in zipper bags. I opened the first one, a very nice Hollister shirt. I took a shirt I already owned to compare the size and see if it fit (I couldn't try it on because I had already showered for the night). Looked like it fit.
The second shirt was from A&F. I opened the zipper bag. The deep musk of the A&F Fierce fragrance issued forth. The shirt must have soaked in the vapours of the store for a very long time.
I froze in the middle of the hall, holding the shirt to my nose. As long as I held it there, I was back, it all came back, crashing down around me.
Right now it's a few metres away, on the couch, just laying there. My sense of smell feels dulled now, I must have sniffed it for a while.
Occasionally hints of the fragrance will float by (it's that strong). On these wisps ride memories, fainter and fainter each time, evaporating away when I try to hold on to them, dissipating irretrievably into the past.
I really left my soul back there.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
That I Could Not Hold You
Alienation, but not in a bad way. Not totally. Alienation from people, withdrawal and dissolution into nature. Darkness and peace, peace in the darkness. But always lonely.
I am beginning to understand my gravitation towards sadness. I have accepted that my search for eternity has failed, and so I am trying to find a way to withstand the tread of life as it descends upon me, again, and again, and then be ripped away from me. I am hoping that when I have absorbed the shadow, I will be inured to life and loss.
When I was 14 by chance I caught a glimpse of the abyss, the inescapable abyss which consumes everything, the inevitable abyss which all things hurtle towards. It is always there on my mind, just out of sight, but always there, the dimming at the end of the tunnel. In my mind, everything has already turned into the dust it will become.
But I am obstinate (and that is why I struggle), a part of me hangs on to hope—not that the abyss can be avoided, but that I can be happy while I fall into it. Perhaps I can. But I don't want to take any chances, I don't want to be disappointed. If constancy (and to me, peace) can only be found in the darkness, then I will seek the darkness.
Epilogue
Later in the day I wondered if the direction I had set myself on was the right one. After further thought... Yes. Yes, it is.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Forever Never Comes Around
It is greedy, he thought, to search for eternity.
To him, the world was separated into that which was eternal, and that which was not. Like a scientist he picked things, events, people up, and inspected them, scrutinising their meaning. He devoted himself to them, engulfed himself in them, wondered about them, despised them, despised himself, and inevitably realised that they belonged to the category of the non-eternal.
Only that which was eternal had meaning and value. That which was not might as well not have existed. Such was the standard he exacted upon the world, including himself. His quest was for eternity, and he was destined to give up all that was ephemeral but good to the crushing, relentless onward tread of time. He would not realise what he had done until he was at the brink and had reason to turn around. But when that happened he would comfort himself, that he too was paltry, just like everything else he had destroyed. Then the blink of the cosmos would complete, and he would be gone.
It is greedy, he thought. Things cannot survive being stretched so thin across time.
There was a book he had been thinking about more and more recently, one that was very important to him. It was a gift from one of his best friends (because he knew he liked the book). But he lost that friend, only the book remained. It pained him to think of the book because it reminded him of the loss, but it was a book that he related to far too much, and he could never escape.
He looked up from the web page he had googled on his phone; he had missed his stop.
Addendum
He took out the book, the gift; the cover was wrapped perfectly in plastic, so tightly it warped (he was always too much of a perfectionist for his own good), with little green tabs to mark out the pages with the parts he knew were special to him.
He sat down on his bed; he did not know what to do.
To him, the world was separated into that which was eternal, and that which was not. Like a scientist he picked things, events, people up, and inspected them, scrutinising their meaning. He devoted himself to them, engulfed himself in them, wondered about them, despised them, despised himself, and inevitably realised that they belonged to the category of the non-eternal.
Only that which was eternal had meaning and value. That which was not might as well not have existed. Such was the standard he exacted upon the world, including himself. His quest was for eternity, and he was destined to give up all that was ephemeral but good to the crushing, relentless onward tread of time. He would not realise what he had done until he was at the brink and had reason to turn around. But when that happened he would comfort himself, that he too was paltry, just like everything else he had destroyed. Then the blink of the cosmos would complete, and he would be gone.
It is greedy, he thought. Things cannot survive being stretched so thin across time.
There was a book he had been thinking about more and more recently, one that was very important to him. It was a gift from one of his best friends (because he knew he liked the book). But he lost that friend, only the book remained. It pained him to think of the book because it reminded him of the loss, but it was a book that he related to far too much, and he could never escape.
It had seemed like the beginning of happiness, and Clarissa is still sometimes shocked, more than thirty years later, to realize that it was happiness; that the entire experience lay in a kiss and a walk, the anticipation of dinner and a book... What lives undimmed in Clarissa's mind more than three decades later is a kiss at dusk on a patch of dead grass, and a walk around a pond as mosquitoes droned in the darkening air. There is still that singular perfection, and it's perfect in part because it seemed, at the time, so clearly to promise more. Now she knows: That was the moment, right then. There has been no other.
He looked up from the web page he had googled on his phone; he had missed his stop.
Addendum
He took out the book, the gift; the cover was wrapped perfectly in plastic, so tightly it warped (he was always too much of a perfectionist for his own good), with little green tabs to mark out the pages with the parts he knew were special to him.
He sat down on his bed; he did not know what to do.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Even Though It Hurts I Can't Slow Down
A few days ago I caught me muttering to myself (reassuringly, no less), "It's okay, it's okay, it's just life, it will pass."
So this really has to stop.
I have a lot of regrets. There are a lot of changes I wish I could make. Sometimes I am so bogged down by all these regrets that all I can think of is how I want to start over. But there is no starting over, there is only shutting down.
On the other hand, there are also a lot of things for which I am thankful. Things which may not have been part of my life if there had been the slightest deviation from what I did.
And so I realized, perhaps I should stop with all this self-inflicted misery, appreciate what I have right now, and then try my hardest to live better.
Being Pathetic Is A Choice
I'm just going to use Merriam-Webster's definition of pathetic: marked by sorrow or melancholy, or pitifully inferior or inadequate. Maybe you have every reason to be sorrowful, maybe you really are inferior and inadequate.
But you don't have to be that way. You don't have to feel that way, and you can strive to be less sucky. I will choose to be less (baby steps) pathetic.
Life Will Invariably Suck
Life sucks, is gonna suck, will suck forever.
You can distract yourself from the sheer suckiness of it through various diversions. Like entertainment, recreation, substances (chemical and Marxian).
Yes, previous paragraph existed solely for that.
Anyway, the point is, life sucks. And being unhappy will not reduce any of that. So it's time to accept the inevitable and just be happy despite it all. In other words, sadness changes nothing, so be happy. It is all very logical.
There Is Always A Way Out
There is. Some ways require more effort, some more time, some require more sweat, or more blood, some more altitude, some more prescriptions. But there is always a solution. Or a gas, or certain solids, or a whole lot of hard, rapidly approaching solid.
So chill and enjoy the ride. There is nothing so bad that won't go away, or alternatively, there is nothing as bad that will ultimately come. Either way, now is okay.
It really is okay, okay? It's just life, it will pass.
So this really has to stop.
I have a lot of regrets. There are a lot of changes I wish I could make. Sometimes I am so bogged down by all these regrets that all I can think of is how I want to start over. But there is no starting over, there is only shutting down.
On the other hand, there are also a lot of things for which I am thankful. Things which may not have been part of my life if there had been the slightest deviation from what I did.
And so I realized, perhaps I should stop with all this self-inflicted misery, appreciate what I have right now, and then try my hardest to live better.
Being Pathetic Is A Choice
I'm just going to use Merriam-Webster's definition of pathetic: marked by sorrow or melancholy, or pitifully inferior or inadequate. Maybe you have every reason to be sorrowful, maybe you really are inferior and inadequate.
But you don't have to be that way. You don't have to feel that way, and you can strive to be less sucky. I will choose to be less (baby steps) pathetic.
Life Will Invariably Suck
Life sucks, is gonna suck, will suck forever.
You can distract yourself from the sheer suckiness of it through various diversions. Like entertainment, recreation, substances (chemical and Marxian).
Yes, previous paragraph existed solely for that.
Anyway, the point is, life sucks. And being unhappy will not reduce any of that. So it's time to accept the inevitable and just be happy despite it all. In other words, sadness changes nothing, so be happy. It is all very logical.
There Is Always A Way Out
There is. Some ways require more effort, some more time, some require more sweat, or more blood, some more altitude, some more prescriptions. But there is always a solution. Or a gas, or certain solids, or a whole lot of hard, rapidly approaching solid.
So chill and enjoy the ride. There is nothing so bad that won't go away, or alternatively, there is nothing as bad that will ultimately come. Either way, now is okay.
It really is okay, okay? It's just life, it will pass.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Undesigned
"A lot of what we seem to be doing... is actually getting design out of the way. And I think when forms develop with that sort of reason and they are not just arbitrary shapes, it feels almost inevitable. It feels almost undesigned."
Basically that is my idol explaining how I intend to approach work and life. Everything with reason, not arbitrary, such that it seems almost inevitable.
At the end he goes "That's quite obsessive, isn't it" and chuckles, which makes me explode into a million smiley pieces.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Employment
C and I were talking about our poor employability.
Me: My goal right now is to be a manager of a fast food restaurant in a few years.
C: Oh please, my goal right now is burger flipper.
Me: That's what we'll start out as. We can be colleagues.
C: Maybe I'm such a klutz that no one will even consider me for that. Such bleak prospects.
Me: Can you count money? You can take orders. During lunch hour we'll get free set meals and eat.
C: Our only consolation.
Me: I hope upsizes are part of the employee benefits.
C: I hope we get Happy Meal toys.
Me: My goal right now is to be a manager of a fast food restaurant in a few years.
C: Oh please, my goal right now is burger flipper.
Me: That's what we'll start out as. We can be colleagues.
C: Maybe I'm such a klutz that no one will even consider me for that. Such bleak prospects.
Me: Can you count money? You can take orders. During lunch hour we'll get free set meals and eat.
C: Our only consolation.
Me: I hope upsizes are part of the employee benefits.
C: I hope we get Happy Meal toys.