"What is your purpose in life?" I would demand out of the blue.
I do this to many people. It is one of the liberties I take, broaching this subject far too early in conversation. I am fortunate to be amongst those who tolerate me. But I have to. I have to ask before they rotate out of my life.
I am like a collector, seeking the answers to this question, amassing them, holding them up to the light to inspect them, sticking them carefully in a mental album.
In them, I hope to find the answer to mine. It is a desperate search.
*
I once thought that there is this one thing I am meant to do, the supreme point of all things, the exalted overlap between what I am capable of and what I want to do. Until I figure out what that is, all else is a poor substitute. But more and more I realise that perhaps there isn't such a thing, no such thing as something I'm meant to do, no one true intersection between ability and passion.
If there is no one thing, then all else is an option. Perhaps not equal to each other, but they are not substitutes by nature. Because there is nothing to substitute. Each one is a possible option.
What then? What if there's no one purpose, no singular meaning? That wonderful purpose, that will define the cardinal points of my life, provide the direction for my journey, for everything in my life to align with, the force with which to push on, in failure or success, the grand scheme to devote my life towards.
Do I fall into pleasure? If there is only the present, and sensory stimulations are all there is to it, is endless pleasure it?
Or perhaps altruism? Or the pursuit of knowledge? Truth?
*
I'm pretty sure philosophers have pondered over this for ages. I should read on this. But if the answer had been found I wouldn't need to wonder, would I? The answer would have spread, like fire on eager branches, and we would know. We would all know.
*
Do I invent my own? How do I create a purpose to last my life, this long, dreadful life, these thousands of thousands of hours?
Maybe I invent a few things I want to do now, and then I add more as I go along. Yes. That sounds like a practical thing to do.
*
The rest will come. I do not fear it, I need it. If I do not fear this thing, then I really have nothing to fear. Because it is the only thing that is inevitable, all else, no matter how terrible, will buckle before the coming of the end, consumed by the end.
What do I do in the meantime? I have no fear.
*
The current of time bears me on a dark, roiling sea, without stars, without direction, but also without fear.
*
Maybe this is the answer. I do not know. Only time will tell if it sticks. If it sticks then I'll stick to it, if it doesn't, then there's nothing. Then the search continues. But for now this will do.
*
I am on a dark, roiling sea. I do not know where I am headed. There are no stars to guide me, I have no direction. But I do not need it, because I have no fear. This peace will do.