So Maybe It's True

My aunt sent me shirts from the US for the New Year. The shirts were sealed in zipper bags. I opened the first one, a very nice Hollister shirt. I took a shirt I already owned to compare the size and see if it fit (I couldn't try it on because I had already showered for the night). Looked like it fit.

The second shirt was from A&F. I opened the zipper bag. The deep musk of the A&F Fierce fragrance issued forth. The shirt must have soaked in the vapours of the store for a very long time.

I froze in the middle of the hall, holding the shirt to my nose. As long as I held it there, I was back, it all came back, crashing down around me.

Right now it's a few metres away, on the couch, just laying there. My sense of smell feels dulled now, I must have sniffed it for a while.

Occasionally hints of the fragrance will float by (it's that strong). On these wisps ride memories, fainter and fainter each time, evaporating away when I try to hold on to them, dissipating irretrievably into the past.

I really left my soul back there.

That I Could Not Hold You

Alienation, but not in a bad way. Not totally. Alienation from people, withdrawal and dissolution into nature. Darkness and peace, peace in the darkness. But always lonely.

I am beginning to understand my gravitation towards sadness. I have accepted that my search for eternity has failed, and so I am trying to find a way to withstand the tread of life as it descends upon me, again, and again, and then be ripped away from me. I am hoping that when I have absorbed the shadow, I will be inured to life and loss.

When I was 14 by chance I caught a glimpse of the abyss, the inescapable abyss which consumes everything, the inevitable abyss which all things hurtle towards. It is always there on my mind, just out of sight, but always there, the dimming at the end of the tunnel. In my mind, everything has already turned into the dust it will become.

But I am obstinate (and that is why I struggle), a part of me hangs on to hope—not that the abyss can be avoided, but that I can be happy while I fall into it. Perhaps I can. But I don't want to take any chances, I don't want to be disappointed. If constancy (and to me, peace) can only be found in the darkness, then I will seek the darkness.

Epilogue

Later in the day I wondered if the direction I had set myself on was the right one. After further thought... Yes. Yes, it is.