Alienation, but not in a bad way. Not totally. Alienation from people, withdrawal and dissolution into nature. Darkness and peace, peace in the darkness. But always lonely.
I am beginning to understand my gravitation towards sadness. I have accepted that my search for eternity has failed, and so I am trying to find a way to withstand the tread of life as it descends upon me, again, and again, and then be ripped away from me. I am hoping that when I have absorbed the shadow, I will be inured to life and loss.
When I was 14 by chance I caught a glimpse of the abyss, the inescapable abyss which consumes everything, the inevitable abyss which all things hurtle towards. It is always there on my mind, just out of sight, but always there, the dimming at the end of the tunnel. In my mind, everything has already turned into the dust it will become.
But I am obstinate (and that is why I struggle), a part of me hangs on to hope—not that the abyss can be avoided, but that I can be happy while I fall into it. Perhaps I can. But I don't want to take any chances, I don't want to be disappointed. If constancy (and to me, peace) can only be found in the darkness, then I will seek the darkness.
Epilogue
Later in the day I wondered if the direction I had set myself on was the right one. After further thought... Yes. Yes, it is.
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